do you have the one friend that you never quite understand?

the one that all of your parents call creepy?

the one that has all of the absolutely insane ideas that everybody laughs at while with him, then starts worrying about his sanity when he's not around?

...that's our friend the irish pony.

i'll leave the explanation to him, but for now, here are letters that he has written as various aliases (no responses yet).

21 February, 2001

Bothell City Hall
18305 101st Avenue NE
Bothell, Wa 98011

City Hall Inquiries,

I am planning on opening a new business in Bothell, and I would like some information about how to do so. My business will be called, "The Bothell Brothel". We will be open from 7 pm to 3:30 am, every day of the week.

We have chosen several sites within the Bothell city limits for our brothel, most of them being older houses in residential areas that can easily be converted for our purposes. However, I would like to stress that my business will not be a real brothel- we will offer several (consensual) 'adult services' that will not involve sex. "The Bothell Brothel" will be advertised as a massage parlor, and each massage room will be rented out by the hour, or the half-hour. We will offer full body shampoo's as well as accompanied showers. Additionally, tipping will be encouraged and whatever goes on in the private rooms will stay in those rooms.

I plan on having seven to eight employees on the premises at all times. All of these employees will be women, and most will be in bikini's or short dresses, (whichever they prefer) but I will make sure that any window facing a road or neighboring house will be shaded.

Every precaution will be taken regarding sexually transmitted diseases, and each private room will be fully stocked with condoms, lotion and kleenex. Again, this will not be a working brothel, simply a massage parlor.

I am excited about opening the business up in time for summer- please advise me as to what licenses I need to procure as well as any fees I need to pay. I know that prostitution is illegal in this part of the state, but I think that "The Bothell Brothel" will be okay, since it will be a sensual oriental massage parlor, and not a whorehouse. I look forward to beginning a mutually beneficial relationship between the City of Bothell and "The Bothell Brothell."

Sincerely,

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5 February, 2001

Customer Inquiries
Nordstom Downtown Seattle
500 Pine Street
Seattle, WA 98101-1742

Dear Customer Inquiries,

I am writing to you because I believe that only Nordstrom's can help me out with a big problem. I will be graduating from technical college in a few months and I need to get some suits, ties and shirts for job interviews. However, I have a physical malady that makes buying clothes, especially neckwear, very difficult.

You see, I have a very large goiter on the right side of my neck. The goiter is approximately the size of a large grapefruit (Florida style) and begins just under my jaw line and ends to my clavicle.

Further, the goiter is drained and biopsies are preformed every month, so any clothes would need to accommodate the pus valve. The valve is located at the very bottom of the goiter, and is a standard Thompson SRT-34 type valve.

Nordstrom's, I am writing to you because I know that if anyone can accommodate my condition, you can. You are renowned throughout the northwest for the way in which you go the extra mile for your customers. In fact, this past Christmas I got my picture taken with Santa Claus at your Alderwood Mall store. All of the employees at that store were very helpful, and they even let me bring my service animal, Mr. Little Jeans, into the picture.

That picture, with Santa, Mr. Little Jeans and I now sits on my mantle. I am blind, but my mother wanted the picture taken for the holidays. I am told that it is a great picture, and that you can hardly see my goiter. I made sure to turn my head to the side.

I am very aware that in this day in age, looking your best is of paramount importance, and I know that a good suit and tie will help me get the kind of job that a technical school graduate deserves.

Nordstrom's can you help me? Can you assure me that your sales people are compassionate and will be able to find me shirts and ties that will fit me neck? I hope that I won't need shirts custom made, I would prefer to just buy the shirts off the rack. Also, do you think turtlenecks might make my goiter look smaller?

Thank you in advance for replying, I graduate in a few weeks, and I need to look my best!

Sincerely,

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5 February, 2001

National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum
25 Main Street
P.O. Box 590
Cooperstown, NY 13326

Dear Baseball Hall of Fame Inquiries,

I am a maid at the Seattle Four Seasons Hotel. A few months ago, Alex Rodriguez, of the Seattle Mariners stayed in one of our penthouse suites. When I cleaned his room, I found that he had left a hairbrush, some toenail and fingernail clippings and some hairballs that I cleaned out of the drain.

I would like to know if I can donate these items to the Baseball Hall of Fame, would you be interested in these items? I am sure that the hair and nails are Mr. Rodriguez's because I thoroughly clean that suite after each guest and the suite was clean when Mr. Rodriguez checked in.

My friend, Stevie, who is a security guard, said that you could probably get the hair and nails DNA tested to make sure the they are Mr. Rodriguez's. I would be more than happy to do that, as long as you didn't take too much of the hair- you have to leave some for the exhibit!

Alex Rodriguez will no doubt be a first ballot inductee into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, and I don't think any exhibit would be complete without some samples of his hair or fingernails.

I still work at the Four Seasons, so I would appreciate it if this matter could be handled discreetly. If you like these items, I also have other celebrity memorabilia from the Four Seasons. For instance: used condoms left in David Lee Roth's room, ankle tape left in Glen Rice's room and a toupee left in John Madden's room (I don't think it was his).

I have never been to the National Baseball Hall of Fame, but I would love to go and see my contribution this summer. Please let me know if I should send these items out to Cooperstown, where they belong! I am a huge baseball fan, I think it's the greatest game on earth! By the way, will Pete Rose be allowed into the Hall of Fame anytime soon?

Sincerely,

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December 25, 2000

Merry Christmas! Well, I would be lying if I told you that the past few months haven't been a whirlwind of activity in my life! Since the last time I saw you, I have found Jesus, a wife and a son and I couldn't be happier!

I have decided not to pursue law school due to my conversion to Mormonism. I was visited last week by Elder Swithenbank and Elder Benson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Over the course of the afternoon, my Latter Day Saint brothers showed me the errors in my ways- no longer will I be out all night whoring and drinking; look for me now in earnest worship at the Lynwood LDS temple!